Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
