umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Those nachos came to me in a dream
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
