You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
