My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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