Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
