I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
