Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
