the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
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