remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just gargled with NyQuil
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
