And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
