Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
