I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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