we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
