My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
