On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
