Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Randomize
