I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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