Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
