apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
