I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
