Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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