can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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