my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
