You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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