why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
