She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
