God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
