you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
