last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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