Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
