my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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