Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
