just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
