Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
