How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
