He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
