yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He passed out mid-signature
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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