I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
