soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
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