she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
