yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
