Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
