y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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