No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Randomize
