There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Pooping to opera.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
