I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I can't turn off my feet"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
