The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
