Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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