More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
