Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
